”I LOOKED WITHIN AND I SAW NOTHING.”
Hey family. Please pardon me for posting late especially this week. I am trying to do all l can to be more efficient however from next week l should’ve locked into a good routine becauseeeeeee I’m bringing Christian novels for you!!! Anyhooo let’s do some reflection. I have something to share with you that may help you now or in the future.
I grew up a flexible child. By flexible I mean, I was quite good at school, good at singing, good at writing and story telling, good at acting and just getting things done – leaning more to the creative side. I had lots of setbacks with my education. I did many things past the time I was supposed to. I was delayed in getting employment. I had to take a lot of part time jobs that paid close to nothing. My many talents were hidden and no matter how much l dug , l couldn’t find the treasure within. Boy I worked hard in music, l gave it my all. I did beauty. I did medical stuff. I was a Jack of all trades just seeking for a door to open for me “please!”. At some point I had throat infection for not giving my voice rest and still .. there l was .. no proof of “life” nothing to show that truly I was not a dumb lazy girl, nothing to show that I had talents and was working hard .. and family doesn’t make it easy for those people.
I would look within and find nothingness. I found emptiness. I know your story may be more intense but it’s not a competition of whose is worse, it’s in the courage to even tell the story. I didn’t see a butterfly in me (my name means butterfly by the way) I just saw a worm. I functioned like a worm because as a man thinks so is he. With everything God put in me – l felt like I was nothing. That’s how it is yes? When you’re not serving your generation with a product, a solution or a skill, you feel like you’re a dead person walking. Casper the ghost?! I’m sharing all this with you to pull you out from that room of darkness. The room is dark because you switched off the lights. The light within you.
I tried to escape. I started applying for visas and guess what? That failed too. I prayed. I fasted. I served. I loved my God. I gave it my all. Double Guess ? Everyone who applied after me got their visas and left. There I was .. with a brain I knew was not dull. With energy for dayyyyys! With capacity. With a plan but with no way forward. I would look at myself in the mirror and hate myself. I hated myself for not being like others. I hated my parents for not giving me a silver spoon. I hated rooms full of curious people. I hated the questions , “Where are you in life? What are you doing? When are you getting married? Did you end up graduating? Everyone has gone overseas why’re you still here?”
I hated questions that threatened the peace I fought so hard to keep. My mind was a battlefield. Trusting God seemed like trusting a boyfriend that just cheated 5 times in a month. I will be real with you. While serving on the pulpit sometimes I’d cry not because I was overwhelmed by worship but I was saying within myself , “l am pouring my empty self to happy people and I’m here not even sure what I will eat.” So I’m not the child that nags her mom. Nah. I don’t nag anyone except my brother lol. To me, my mom had done enough already, I needed to find my ground and not keep pulling her purse for what’s left.. I was “worming” through life. Full of skill. Full of talents. Full but empty. A treasure that caught so much dust it now looked like an old piece of metal, rusty and invaluable.
I don’t even know I’m led to share this today. I’m not big on “share your story”. Don’t get me wrong I love to testify but l am not an open book lol yeah I’m a mystery. Solve math not me 🤣. Anyhoo, long story short , God gave me a gift that I myself don’t understand. I promise you , I don’t understand how!! When l get a keypad or a pen and paper, I no longer see Vanessa the worm, l see Vanessa the butterfly. I find treasure within me!!! I find purpose. The mirror gets cleaner and clearer. It took time and SELF REFLECTION. Yes. That’s where this is going. It took digging a little more. Oh I’m lying not a little more, dig , dig, keep digging wells like Isaac! Then l realised; within us shoooo! Within us are treasures God Himself put knowing full well that when we discover them we will smile.
I’m saying to you, you may be looking for treasure in the wrong places. You’re the house of treasures. You! You sit. You pray in the spirit! “Lord I keep seeing a worm but l know there’s more to my life than a couple of rejected cvs. I know there’s a blueprint of greatness. Lord my eyes keep seeing Vanessa the nobody, the one who can’t attend family gatherings because we go with joy and leave with depression , Lord l keep seeing an empty vessel, rusty and good for nothing, show me what you put in the inside of me!!!”
I close by saying, I am proud of myself. This is the first time since l was born that I say this about myself 😭🥹😮💨. Vanessa I am proud of you. (Yeah l made it bold) You are a butterfly and more! This is not pride. This is a break out of low self esteem. This is confidence. This is healthy. When you reflect , you’ll find many things to be proud of. Today l present to you, my pride. Click on the link below and see the things God put in me that l never knew of. There’s more in us. There’s so much more. You could be depressed because of your background but eiii when you discover the giant within , David, Goliath will be the boy and you’ll be the giant because there’s only room for one giant and that’s YOU! Stop worrying. Don’t live like I did, anxious, trying to prove a point to people, pressures from social media, no my love. It’s on you! I pray that as you reflect , you find the goodies and gold within YOU. I love you.
Dear brethren, think about these things.
